


i am, and i will be

by aswarmofbees



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Dysphoria, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Character, Genderqueer Character, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-30
Updated: 2015-05-30
Packaged: 2018-04-02 01:39:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4040755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aswarmofbees/pseuds/aswarmofbees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“So, you’re a girl today?” Kasamatsu asked.<br/>“Yukio-san, don’t assume!” Kise whined back at him, and Kasamatsu felt guilty for doing just that. This was still new to him. “I’m just a boy in a really pretty skirt!”<br/>“Okay,” Kasamatsu said, nodding. “Okay.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	i am, and i will be

**Author's Note:**

> so!! i kind of wanted to try writing out a genderfluid kise because, well, i guess i don't have much of a reason?? i see him as either strictly cis male or genderfluid, so i wanted to try writing from this angle! i've had issues with my own gender identity, so i felt like i could try explaining it through both sides. kasamatsu is old fashioned, it's how he was raised, so he wouldn't accept it easily or understand, but he would try his best to. i guess this is a bit self-indulgent but. oh well!!
> 
> i don't think it has much detailed gender dysphoria in it but i don't want to trigger anyone so i tagged it. i also didn't want it to get confusing for the category thing, so i just put 'other' instead of m/m or m/f etc. uhm. i kept the he/him pronouns for kise, bc it's only a short drabble. i hope it's enjoyable, and you can get a sense of kise's struggles.
> 
> also pls look at this [beautiful fanart](http://snowshu.tumblr.com/post/120317049972/gusys-genderfluid-kise-is-like-a-fav-headcanon) tumblr user snowshu created after reading my fic pls marvel at it w me

If Kasamatsu thought Kise was nervous when he had, years ago, simultaneously confessed to him and asked him out on a date in one jumbled breath, he had severely underestimated just how anxious Kise could actually get. Especially when the topic of choice held a lot of weight in Kise’s heart.

Kasamatsu was an old fashioned guy. He was very traditional when it came to most things, like respecting those older than you, keeping to a last-name basis for most people, romantic relationships, and… gender identity. So when Kise spoke up about it after Kasamatsu complained that, ‘we’re both men, why do you need like two hours in the bathroom I seriously have to piss, Kise,’ it didn’t really register with him. Not when Kise responded with an almost silent:

“I’m not always.”

Kasamatsu thought he had been referring to taking forever for his daily routine and not the first comment he made, and agreed that, ‘yeah, you take more than that sometimes.’ Kise was silent for long enough to worry him, but he chirped out a cheery response before Kasamatsu managed to get another word in edgewise.

Kasamatsu knew him better than that, though, and it didn’t take long before he successfully pried out of him what had been wrong. Kise _had_ been kind of antsy lately, especially whenever Kasamatsu got near his end of the closet, or when he flipped up that bright smile after being complimented as a male model, or was told that he could be a girl with how pretty his face was.

“I don’t understand,” Kasamatsu said when Kise tried to explain it to him, how some days he felt more comfortable when he was a man, or a woman, or both or neither. It was… weird for him, if he was being honest, but he didn’t tell Kise that. The other was already struggling to describe just how exactly it felt in his position, and the fact that Kasamatsu couldn’t personally relate made it difficult.

He tried to blow it off when Kasamatsu didn’t look any closer to grasping the meaning, smiled widely and laughed airily as if it meant next to nothing to him. For Kise to backtrack like this, to try and gather up the explanation he’d given and toss it away like it wasn’t anything significant meant that it certainly _was_ important. Kise got like this when he calculated the odds and didn’t like what he came up with, didn’t like that the chances were of him only getting hurt in the end, so he tried to escape. It was a defense mechanism of sorts, a method he relied on to avoid pain.

And it hurt more than he wanted to admit that Kise thought he had to use it with him, that he was so worried of Kasamatsu hurting him and he felt it mandatory to hide everything away. Kasamatsu was taking it the wrong way, he realized that, because this clearly wasn’t something anyone readily accepted, so it was only natural for Kise to think he wouldn’t be any different.

But he wanted to be different. He wanted to be better for Kise.

So he pulled Kise away from shrinking back into himself, dragged him out in the open until Kise eventually acquiesced and allowed himself to be bare and vulnerable. Kise spoke, and Kasamatsu listened.

“I’m sorry, Yukio-san,” Kise said one day when they were out shopping for clothes, the insecurity in his voice raising red flags to Kasamatsu. He was looking away, down and off to the side and avoiding eye contact.

Today, he was a boy.

They were standing in the open, and Kasamatsu still wasn’t one for public displays of affection, but he would do it for Kise.

He would do anything for Kise.

“No,” Kasamatsu said, moving to stand in front of him and gently tilt his chin so he could look him in the eye. He took in Kise’s trembling lip, the wrinkles in his forehead as he tried to keep a straight face and told him, “Don’t apologize for something that doesn’t need an apology. If anything, I should be the one saying sorry.”

Kise immediately opened his mouth, a vehement denial already burning on his lips, but Kasamatsu didn’t let him come to his aid. “No, don’t try and defend me. This is… new to me, so I’m going to have to ask you to bear with me as it sets in, yeah?” Still looking like he wanted to argue, Kise twisted his lips slightly in response. He hardened his voice slightly. “Kise.”

With a pout, Kise begrudgingly agreed, but it was unbelievably easy to spot that he wasn’t happy about it. He knew he only wanted to tell Kasamatsu that it wasn’t his fault either, that it was just how he grew up, but Kasamatsu wouldn’t have any of it. He was determined to learn the hard way, whether Kise liked it or not.

He quickly glanced around them, relieved to find no one nearby in the section of that shop they were in. Leaning up, he held Kise’s face in his hands and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, brushing his thumb against his cheek. While Kise still looked a little dazed, eyes closed even as Kasamatsu pulled away, he mumbled, “And I love you, so I’m going to be stubborn about it.”

He flushed when Kise’s eyes snapped open, and this time it was his turn to turn his head to the side and avoid eye contact. Kise threw nearly all of his weight atop him in a sudden hug, and Kasamatsu struggled to keep from falling over. He was quiet, but Kasamatsu could hear from the occasional sniffle that he was trying to contain his tears.

“I love you too,” he murmured, tightening his arms around him.

They usually used the excuse of a present for a sister or female relative when Kise bought ‘women’s’ clothing, but this time Kise was firm when he replied with a calm, “No, these are for me.”

The cashier looked stunned, glancing at the skirts and blouses in the bag and back at the two of them, utterly confused. Kasamatsu latched onto his hand and squeezed, a silent show of support. Kise returned the gesture, and luckily the employee didn’t comment further, merely handing them a receipt and wishing them well on their way.

Without the blockade of the counter hiding their intertwined hands, they had to unfortunately part. He could tell Kise was still recovering from that show of bravery, and bumped his shoulder. “Hey, didn’t you say you needed shoes to match?” As much as he didn’t care for shopping, he also knew how important it was to Kise, so it didn’t bother him as much anymore. So long as Kise didn’t take four hours like he had the first time.

Kise smiled at him, slightly tired but sincere nonetheless, and Kasamatsu walked by his side as they entered the adjacent shoe shop.

_I’m proud of you,_ he wanted to say as Kise scurried over to the heeled boots lining the side of the shop, ignoring the scattered looks of interest that followed him.

Instead, he grumbled that Kise already had a pair at home exactly like the one he was showing Kasamatsu, rolling his eyes when Kise retorted, ‘but this one has more _flowers_ on it, it’s different.’

Kise could practically tell what Kasamatsu was thinking by now, so there was no need to say it aloud for Kise to know how he felt. The fond smile Kasamatsu sent his way was enough.

They were enough.

 


End file.
